Kim Jong Elmo vs Dick Cheney featuring Lapis Lazuli
by JustSagan
Summary: The spirit of Kim Jong Il is now in control of Elmo. Now its up to Dick Cheney and a certain blue gem to stop him.
1. The Rise

Sesame Street… What was once a vibrant and happy place. is now under the boot of communism. All thanks to their new leader... Kim Jong Elmo. Because as you more than likely already know, (Unless you never paid attention in history class) Kim Jong Il was actually a spiritual being that was made of pure Communism. So when he died he needed a new host. Unfortunately for us, the host he chose was one of our greatest Murican heroes, Elmo.

When the spirit of Kim Jong Il took over Elmo, Elmo began to enforce new rules for Sesame Street. He created focus time camps, segregated humans and puppets, turned the Swedish Chef's kitchen into a nuke kitchen, turned the cookie monster into the veggie monster, and so much more.

At first the citizens of Sesame Street thought Elmo was just joking around. However when they started to notice that all the humans have gone missing, and that anyone who asked Elmo about the humans whereabouts were immediately captured by Elmo secret service agents. They knew that this was not a prank bro!

After Elmo had complete power over Sesame Street, it was time for phase two of Elmo's plan. Elmo announced that he would be giving a televised speech, and that he would love for all the world to watch. The world was unaware that Elmo had become a Communist bastard, so people were happy to see what Elmo had to say. Including a certain long time fan…

Meanwhile Dick Cheney was enjoying his favorite new hobby. Looking at Steven Universe rule 34 fanart. More specifically, the Lapis Lazuli section of it. When Dick Cheney first laid eyes on her in the episode where she tried to murder two children, Dick knew he was in love with her.

However as he was looking through all of the amazing porn, he got an email from his acquaintance Harry Whittington. Dick opened up the email, and the email read "Hey Dick, did you hear that Elmo will be giving a live speech on television today?" Dick Cheney was happy and surprised. Elmo had always be a great Murican role model, and Dick was excited to see Elmo speak again. Mainly because Elmo has such a way with words.

Dick Cheney quickly turned on his small TV that he keeps on his desk, and changes the channel to Sesame Street, There he saw Elmo, however something seemed off… But Dick just ignored it since Elmo looked like he was about ready to give his speech.

Elmo got the ok from the ESSA (Elmo Secret Service Agents), and began to speak. "People of the world, but specifically the Yallnited Steaks of Murica! Elmo has a message for you!" Dick Cheney started to get worried, Elmo's tone was so bitter and heartless. "Elmo wants all of you to know that Sesame Street is no longer a friendly neutral street, but we are now a Communist street!" A tear began form in Dick Cheneys eye. "And for those of you deny Elmo's power!" Elmo then pushes a red button that was on the podium. At first it seemed like it did nothing, but then the camera pans over to the swedish nuke kitchen. The building opens up, and a missile shoots out of it at lightning speeds.

The camera then pans back to Elmo, who is now telling two of his ESSA members to grab something. About a minute later, the two ESSA members return with a large flatscreen TV, and place it next to Elmo for all to see. One of the ESSA members turn on the TV, revealing the Muppets. It appeared to be a live show, with no sound. Miss Piggy and Kermit appeared to be talking to each other, but suddenly they stopped. They began to look around in confusion, and just as Kermit looked up in horror, there was a large explosion. The connection died a second later. The Muppets were dead, and Elmo just stood there and smiled.

Dick Cheney couldn't take any more. He quickly turned off the TV, and began to cry. Dick was hoping that this was just a bad dream, but he knew it was all too real. Dick Cheney cried for about a minute. He didn't know how to deal with this. "Why Elmo! Why have you forsaken us!?" Cryed Dick Cheney at the top of his lungs. He had to do something, but what? Dick Cheney was about to send an email to George W Bush jr, but realized that he forgot to close his Lapis Lazuli porn. Dick decided that one last look would not hurt, and began to look at a picture of a completely nude Lapis.

However as he stared at her blue naked body, he got an idea. "I know what I must do." Dick Cheney said to himself as he went on to Amazon. After about a minute of searching, he found what he was looking for. A Lapis Lazuli gem.

To be continued...


	2. The heroes

**On the last chapter of this FanFiction. Dick Cheney watched in horror as the once great Merican hero Elmo revealed himself to be a communist. However thanks to all the rule 34 porn of Lapis Lazuli, Dick Cheney came up with an idea on how to put an end to Elmo.**

Dick Cheney was waiting for the Lapis Lazuli gem to arrive at his mail box. He knew that the gem was the only thing that stood between Elmo and World domination. However as he was waiting, his old friend George W Bush jr came by for a visit. " _Howdy there Cheney, what are you up to?_ " George asked wondering why Dick was standing by his mailbox. "I'm waiting for something that will help me save Merica." This surprised George, but he decided to go along with it, and wait by the mail box with Dick. George had nothing better to do with his day anyway.

After about 30 minutes of awkwardly waiting around the mailbox, the mail truck finally arrived. "Its finally here! Yes!" Dick is so happy that he begins to jump up and down, while George just wonders why Dick is so happy. The truck comes to a stop, and the driver walks out holding Dicks package. However as the driver walked out of the truck, George noticed something. "Wait a minute… You're a Russian!" George then proceeded to pull out his M16 rifle, and began to open fire on the Communist. As expected, the communist stood no chance against the mighty Merican bullets. However Dick Cheney was freaking out over this. "George stop! You might hit my package!" George stopped firing, and Dick grabbed his surprisingly undamaged package.

"Alright Dick, now will you tell me what's so important about this?" Dick however did not answer, and instead motioned for him to come into his house. Upon entering the house, Dick immediately set his package on his desk. "Alright George before I open my package, I have to show you something." Dick then walked over to his laptop, and accidentally opened up his Lapis Lazuli porn. "What the hell is wrong with you? Everyone knows that Pearl is the hottest one!" George said as Dick was trying to close the page. "No that's not it! This is what I wanted to show you." Dick then opens up youtube, and shows George the video of Elmo giving his speech. Needless to say, George was shocked.

"I knew this day would come, that red bastard could never be trusted." George said with true anger in his voice. "I know how you feel George, but fear not! I have something here that will help us!" Dick then opened up his package, revealing a Lapis Lazuli gem. George just stood there in confusion. "But that's not all! Check this out!" Dick then walked over to his book shelf, and pulled on one of his books. The book shelf then slid open, revealing a secret laboratory.

As Dick and George walked into the lab, George couldn't help but wonder why Dick had this lab. "Dick how and when did you get this lab?" Dick just looked back at George in confusion. "You don't remember? I got this when you and me raided the Moon after Russia took it over." After Dick said that, it all came back to George. "Oh I remember now! I was drunk when we did that!" Said George proudly.

After a little walking around, Dick finally stopped at a large machine. It had a tube with "Put rock in" written above it, and the tube was connected to a large chamber with a door that had "Person comes out… I think" written above it.

"Oh I remember now! Those Russians were planning to take rock samples from the moon, and make soldiers out of them with this machine!" George said. "Fortunately for us, they were so stupid that they wrote their own instructions on how to use this machine in english." George and Dick share a laugh, and then Dick walks up to the tube.

"Alright, let's do this!" Dick said as he places the Lapis Lazuli gem in the tube. The gem goes down the tube, and eventually falls into the chamber. At first it seemed like nothing happened, but then red mist started to fill the chamber. The gem then started to float up, and change into a female human looking figure. The figure then grew a dress, and some hair. The figure finally fell to the ground, and Dick was happy with what he saw. "Its her!" Dick said happily.

After the red mist cleared, Dick opened up the door. Dick then walked up to Lapis, and helped her up. "Who… Who are you?" Asked Lapis, who was shaken up. "Im Dick Cheney. Welcome to Merica." Dick said happily. Dick then helped her out of the chamber, and brought her towards George. "I can't believe this actually worked Dick!" Said George happily. "Alright George, let's head back to my office." They then walked back to Dicks office with new found hope.

"Here, sit down at my desk Lapis." Dick said as he helped Lapis to his desk chair. "Alright Lapis, we need you for something. Are you willing to help us?" George asked. "Well you two did give me life, so I guess so." Lapis happily said. "Alright then, let me show you what we are dealing with." Dick said as he opened up his laptop, but once again accidentally opened up his Lapis Lazuli porn. "Dammit Dick! This is why you shouldn't bookmark porn!" George said as Lapis just stared at the porn of her with a blank expression.

"Alright now this is what I wanted to show you" Said Dick as he started to play Elmo's speech. Lapis watched the video with interest. However about half way through the video, a puppet busted through Dicks window. The puppet then ran towards Dick, and held him at gunpoint. "Alright you assholes! Elmo knows that you are plotting to stop him! So prepare to die!" However before he could shoot Dick, Lapis summoned some water from a flower vase in Dicks office, and threw it towards the Communist puppet. "What are you do..." This was all the puppet could say before the water formed a bubble around the puppets head, and he began to drown. After about 30 seconds, the puppet was dead.

"Thanks Lapis, you saved my life!" Dick said as he was catching his breath. "Oh it was no problem… So when can we kill Elmo." Lapis asked with a smile. "So you enjoy killing communists? You already seem to have the Merican spirit!" George said happily. "Now let's not waste anymore time. Let's get some guns, and go kill Elmo!" And with that, they all walked out of Dicks office.

To be continued...


	3. Sand

Its finally time…

After a long wait, it is time for Dick, George, and Lapis to finally put an end to Elmo, and bring the Merican spirit back to Sesame Street. They have gotten their guns, and are ready to kill some communists.

But first… It's time for a BEACH EPISODE!

…

Dick, George, and Lapis arrived at Freedom Beach, and were ready to have a fun time.

" _Alright! Let's change into our beach outfits, and have some fun!_ " George said in an excited tone, as he began to change into his Disney swim trunks.

Dick Cheney also began to change. However, he did not change into swim trunks. He instead changed into a G-string.

Lapis however seemed a little nervous. Dick took notice of this.

" _Hey Lapis, something wrong?_ " Dick said as he finished putting on his G-string.

" _Nothing's wrong… It's just the first time I have ever been to a beach…_ "

" _Oh don't be scared, the beach is a fun place! Right George?_ "

" _Thats right. Now… let's get some ice cream!_ "

George then happily ran to the ice cream booth. Dick wanted to go along, but he wanted to wait for Lapis to finish changing. However, Lapis didn't want him to wait to long for her.

" _It's ok Dick, you can go, i'll catch up when I finish changing._ "

" _Oh, ok. If you say so._ "

Dick then ran to the booth, leaving Lapis by herself.

When Dick got to the booth, he was happy to see that George had already gotten him his favorite ice cream.

" _Hey thanks George!_ " Dick said as he took the ice cream.

" _Ya, no problem! Hey, where's Lapis?_ "

" _She is still getting changed, she will be here momentarily._ "

Dick and George waited there for a few moments, while eating their ice creams. As they begin to finish their ice creams, Lapis finally came out.

As Lapis walked out, both George and Dick were left speechless with how hot Lapis looked in her orange bikini.

" _Hey guys, sorry I took so long._ "

George and Dick still stood there, not saying a word.

" _Hey guys… Are you ok?_ "

Dick and George still said nothing.

" _Guys… Umm… Can one of you help me with my bikini? It's still a little loose in the back._ "

As soon as she said that, Dick and Georges noses began to bleed, and then both of them feel to the ground.

" _Guys! Are you ok!?_ "

Dick and George finally got a hold of themselves, and stood up.

" _Um… Ya… I think we ate that ice cream to fast…_ " Dick said, trying to find an excuse.

" _Oh, ok. As long as you are ok…_ "

All three of them stood around for a moment. Until George broke the silence.

" _Hey, lets show you some of the fun things we can do on the beach!_ "

" _Ya! That's a good idea!_ " Dick said in agreement.

The three then began to run to the water. However, when they got on the sand, Lapis seemed completely amazed by the sand. She stopped, and then begin lay in the sand.

Dick and George took notice of this.

" _Hey Lapis, what are you…_ " George stopped talking when saw that Lapis was rubbing the sand all over her body.

George didn't know what to say.

" _Oh... Oh… Oh man…_ "

George then ran into the water, with Dick following him.

" _Hey George, is everything ok?_ "

"Oh man… I have boner man!"

The two then went silent, and stood in the water for a good 5 minutes, while watching Lapis play in the sand.

" _You know, maybe we should do something, so we don't look like two old men just standing in the water staring at a blue girl as she plays in the sand._ " Dick said.

" _Ya good idea… How about we… HAVE A SPLASH FIGHT!_ "

George then splashed some water in Dicks face.

" _Oh so that's how you want to play… Well, take this!_ "

Dick then splashes some water in George's face.

This of course results in an all out splash fight. This splash fight is so fun, that George forgot about Lapis, and his bonner is gone. However, what they don't know is that trouble has arrived.

While George and Dick played in the water, Lapis continued to play in the sand. While she was playing in the sand, two men walked up to Lapis, and began to kick sand in her face. Some of it got in her mouth, and she immediately tried to spit it out, but the two men kept kicking more sand.

Fortunately, Dick took notice of this, and he immediately recognized the two men.

" _Hey George, stop! Those two beach bullies are being mean to Lapis._ "

George looked at the two with disgust.

" _Dammit! Obama and Osama are at it again! We gotta help her!_ "

George and Dick then ran out of the water, and immediately pushed the two bullies away from Lapis. However, Obama decided that he was not finished.

" _Umm… You better get out of our umm… side of the beach, or we will umm… beat the crap out of you._ "

Dick and Bush were not intimidated by this.

" _You don't scare us you Communist! Quick Bush, attack now!_ "

Dick and George then charged at Obama and Osama. Dick and George were, of course, able to easily beat the crap out of the two bullies. The Bullies then ran away, and hid in the beaches bathroom.

" _Oh no Obama! They beat the crap out of us! How can we possibly beat them?_ " Osama said with true fear in his voice.

" _Don't umm… worry Osama, I umm… Have a plan to stop them._ "

Outside of the bathroom, Dick and George were helping Lapis up. Dick of course was the most concerned.

" _Lapis, are you ok?_ " Dick said, nearly on the verge of tears.

" _Ya, im fine, its just a little sand._ "

Lapis stood up, brushed the sand off of herself, and then stared at the water.

" _Hey guys, how about we just go swimming._ "

Dick and George thought this was a good idea, and started to head towards the water. However, as they were walking, the beach bathroom suddenly blew up. This caught all three of them off guard. They looked back to see what had happened, and when smoke finally cleared, they saw a man that looked like Obama, but had the beard of Osama floating in the air.

" _You thought you could umm… beat us? Well, we are now umm… Obama Bin Laden!_ "

Obama Bin Laden then charged at Dick, and knocked him to the ground. He then turned to George, and round house kicked him, knocking George to the ground. He was then about to turn his attention to Lapis, but then noticed that there was a table made of water by him. Before he could do anything, water changes grabbed him, and trapped him to the table. Lapis then walked up to him, and placed a rag on his face. At the moment, Obama Bin Laden realized what was happening, but it was too late.

Lapis began to dump water onto the rag, and this caused Obama Bin Laden to feel like he was being suffocated. Obama Bin Laden begged for her to stop, but she said nothing, and continued to waterboard him.

After about five minutes of this, Obama Bin Laden unfused. The two were scared, they ran as fast as they could from the beach, while pissing them self's.

Lapis then saw that George and Dick had recovered, but were still in some pain.

" _Hey… You guys just want to grab some more ice cream, and just lay on the beach?_ " Lapis asked, and both Dick and George agreed that it was a good idea.

They all grabbed their ice creams, and laid on the beach for the rest of the day. Nothing else happened, they just relaxed, and when it started getting late, they decided to head home.


End file.
